Jan 16 2009
The first day of the rest of my life… trial run
“You dont understand” is a phrase that my Mother has used for as long as I have known her….
“You dont understand how I feel”,
“You dont understand how hard I work”,
“You dont understand how much it hurts me when you are bad”,
“You dont understand what it is to be an adult”.
I must have heard those words a thousand times, trouble is, I do understand and it is her who doesnt.
I have been forced to understand how she feels, so that I could best navigate her mood and avoid confronation, I have been forced to work hard to keep the house tidy and keep my schoolwork up to date whilst spending the best part of the night comforting my mother through a drunken rant, I fully understand how much it hurts when someone you love is being bad, and I fully understand what it is to be an adult, because at 23 years young I have been an “adult” for over 17 years.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent is the easiest bit, its when you have managed to escape it that it becomes a real struggle.
This is the life that I am living, torn between my loyalty to my once successful, beautiful and kind mother or my vow to eradicate the constant hurt, dissappointments and abuse.
Today was yet another opportunity thrown away… every day I wake up determined to give her the ultimatium that should have been delivered years ago, “STOP doing this to yourself, stop hurting the family, get clean, get sober, get on with your life!”… everyday I just can’t bring myself to do it…. every day I am a coward, I fear it too will be my fate in years to come.
/Thunderchild
